millerwrite

Where Does Love Go?

2012-01-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

Ah, love. Sweet, pure, healing, spiritual…we can’t see itwith our eyes, we can’t touch it with our fingertips, and yet it isunquestionably there. It stirs somewhere between my head and chest when I see afellow human suffering – hold my baby in my arms for the very first time –watch the figure of my lover walking toward me smiling – behold a problemsolved or pain erased without my effort.

Such a beautiful and real thing is love. Probably its mostwondrous quality is that it usually is focused on another person or object,seeking to bless the other as much as it does me. Thus, love is a gift thatspreads outward and can transform both the giver and recipient. Precious and seeminglyso fragile, but able to withstand and endure great strain, great sacrifice.

Sadly though, the gift of love - the source of which canonly be God – can cause great pain. We give our love to the wrong person, whospits it back because they can’t or won’t embrace it. It seems to disappear intoa bottomless pit, fruitless and unreturned. The daughter who rejects my lovebecause she is lost on her own journey. The friends who can’t appreciate itbecause they’ve never truly recognized it in themselves. Those people whoaccept my love, but cannot reciprocate because of their slavery to other forceslike drugs or money or sex. Tragically, we have all had our love declined attimes.

Having my feelings be rejected is traumatic, certainly.Depending on the intensity of affection I’ve given or tried to give, having itrefused or misused is capable of rendering knife-like damage to my emotions.Unreturned love is not a new phenomenon to me, yet on every occasion it occurs,the pain feels as fresh and keen as if I were a baby being slapped or holleredat for the first time. Sometimes the agony feels so overwhelming, I wonder ifI’ll ever be able to love again.

But I know also that to love or not is my choice.

After each debacle in this regard, the same question comesinto my mind: what happens to the love I feel – so intensely sometimes, italmost is palpable – that is rejected, unrequited, spurned? Does it simply dielike unpicked fruit withering on a vine? Or does it live on somewhere in mysoul’s deep recesses, out of view and out of thought? Does it drift upward, backto God, who created it in first place? Where does all this “wasted” love go? Isthere some emotional stock-pile where it’s “archived” for posterity? Or is it depositedinto a spiritual landfill of sorts, where it’s layered over with denial, anger,and fear, until it can’t be seen or touched without some in-depth digging? Thequestion comes to me, back and back and back.

Obviously, this is one of those questions with no answer… Orperhaps everyone’s answer is different. For me, I like to believe that no loveis ever wasted. Every time I love someone or something, regardless of whathappens or does not happen as a result of that love, I am changed in a positiveway. My emotional range is widened; my soul expanded by this miraculouslyselfless feeling. I become a more understanding and compassionate person. Toknow love is, to me, getting a glimpse of God. And if I am hurt as a result ofthat love, God sends His grace to soften the blow, as well as another bigportion of love to keep for myself this time. Because at that point, I need itto heal my own wounds.

This is why, no matter how many times I’ve “loved and lost,”I’ll not shut down my heart, nor close myself off from loving again. It’salways worth it, whatever the cost or consequence. In fact, for me it’s a necessityto stay alive as a whole human being. I know that ultimately, any love I canfeel – even if it doesn’t come back to me from a person – has somehow made mebetter, made me just a little bit more of a reflection of its Source.

Book Review: THE MEANS OF REPRODUCTION

2012-01-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Michelle Goldberg’s New Book Gives Insight intoWorldwide Perspectives on Female Reproductive Rights

The Means of Reproduction: Sex, Power,and the Future of the World

ByChristine E. Miller

In her latest book, TheMeans of Reproduction, author Michelle Goldberg addresses the globalbattle over women’s sexual and reproductive rights, fought at different levels andin a variety of ways all over the world. Often in these struggles, the United Statesplays an important role. According to Ms. Goldberg, she was drawn toinvestigate and report on this issue, so woven into the larger fabric ofgender, cultural, religious, and political power struggles, yet nevercomprehensively addressed in a book. She wished to impart a “very rich story”that she was surprised to learn had not been fully told. The author’s thoroughnessin researching her book - involving extensive travel to Nicaragua, Poland,Kenya, India, Britain, Uganda and Ethiopia - is evident in its insightful and fascinating perspectives on women’s rights andtheir interplay with such primary issues as universalism versusmulticulturalism; modernism versus religious fundamentalism; and individualrights versus group norms.

Certainly, the ability to decide whether and/or when to havechildren has grave effects on women at every stage of their lives, further yieldingbroad repercussions for society as a whole. Ms. Goldberg reports that in somecultures, women are forced to leave school young and marry, consequently havingfar less power within their relationships, including their power to decideabout becoming pregnant. Having children before their bodies are fullydeveloped, or having them in rapid succession, increases these young women’s riskof dying in childbirth. The children left motherless in the wake of thiscatastrophe become much less likely to survive themselves, or attend school. Conversely,according to the author, when mothers are educated, have some level of powerwithin their relationships, as well as access to resources for family planning,they rarely have more children than they can care for adequately. In addition,their sexual behavior tends to be more responsible in that they protectthemselves from sexually-transmitted diseases. Their children are more likelyto be healthy and educated like their mothers, benefitting the whole society.

Regarding the subject of abortion, Ms. Goldberg notes thatprohibiting this option brings destructive results to both women and theirsociety when abortions are obtained furtively and unsafely. Latin America demonstrates this point, having the world’s strictestanti-abortion laws in addition to its highest abortion rates. Upon visiting hospitals in cities such asNairobi, Kampala,Managua, and Addis Ababa, the author observed that doctorsin the obstetrics/gynecology wards spend most of their time treating victims ofbungled abortions. Aside from the tens of thousands of females damagedphysically and mentally from this experience, the effects are devastating onfragile health systems with limited resources. Further illustrative of thispoint is the comparison of abortion rates in Latin America to those in Western Europe, where birth control is fully accepted andwidely available; and abortions are generally funded by government healthinsurance. Here, particularly amongst the Scandinavian countries, abortionrates are the lowest worldwide.

As citizens of Western society, living in the United States, we may feel that with all theadvances made over the past century in the area of gender equality, we don’thave reason for concern as do the women in other countries such as Iran, wherewomen have won rights only to have them subsequently usurped. However, Ms.Goldberg points to backward movement even in this country, citing recent casesof women being arrested and prosecuted for attempting to end their pregnancies.

All women can gain new insights from the book’s in-depth andthought-provoking comparison of how the common struggle over reproductiverights is being enacted across different countries, cultures, and political andreligious regimes. Informed literature such as Ms. Goldberg’s book is supportiveof globalization by virtue of its availability to a diverse readership. Andglobalization, in the author’s opinion, is key to the positive evolution ofwomen the world over.

Ms. Goldberg recounted interviewing a women’s rights leaderin Uganda,asking her how she had decided that things had to change. “Because the womenare suffering!” was the leader’s answer. The author agreed, but pointed outthat the women had been suffering for a long time; why were they rising up justthen? The Ugandan explained that for her, it began when she was invited to speakat an international conference about HIV prevention work in her region. Meetingand talking to women from all over the world taught her that there were other,less oppressive ways to live. New information provided her the realization thatshe didn’t have to accept customs like widow inheritance and polygamy,traditions so ingrained they seemed impervious to change. Ms. Goldberg arguesthat patriarchal systems tend to foster the illusion that they represent theeternal, unchangeable laws of life. But fortunately, once women become aware ofthe falseness of this premise, they become much less willing to submit to it.

Well, My 50th Birthday Sucked, But Thanks For Asking

2011-12-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

What’s that, you didn’t ask? It’s alright - you probablyknew it wouldn’t exactly be a highlight of my life. But truthfully, even I was unable to fathomhow bad it could be.

Allow me to preface this account by telling you somethingabout myself in relation to health and aging. I’m generally pretty disciplined intaking care of my body – not psychotically so, mind you, but I do run well over20 miles per week, take vitamins and herbal supplements, keep an eye on what Ieat so my weight stays roughly the same, even use Swiss botanical skinformulations on my face and neck. Oh, and as long as I’m being honest, getregular Botox treatments (not to mention I’ve tried wrinkle fillers a coupletimes and use an off-shoot of Miracle Grow for my thinning eyelashes).

So perhaps I’m a bit fixated on staying young, or at leastlooking young… It’s all healthy stuff, right?

I don’t know who let it slip to my boobs that I was about toturn 50, but low and behold, almost to the day of this egregious event, theydecided to develop “symptoms” noticeable on my yearly mammogram. Uh-oh, whatwas up? Of course, one is dragged over this particular bed of nails via anagonizing, drawn-out process: first the routine mammogram, then a “call-back” fora closer look at the offending breast; another mammogram, followed by a week ofinternet-research-fueled obsession before finding out I have to have a “needlebiopsy.” Just one of these words - “needle” and “biopsy” - is ominous enough,but put them together in relation to your boob, and obsession turns into contemplationof impending death.

How irritating that I couldn’t be allowed even a few months,much less a few years, of being “over the hill” before my aged and decrepitbody started its downward spiral! Shouldn’t there be some grace period whereinI can get used to my new senior citizen status? But nooo, I’m practicallyhaving my 50^th birthday party in a doctor’s office! This is thethanks my body bestows on me for trying to be health-conscious? So glad Ibothered – not.

I must say, however, I am blessed indeed to have threebeautiful children – two of whom are even out of the house – and the world’sgreatest boyfriend. Knowing I would be having a celebratory dinner with these lovedones, I was completely content to spend the evening of “my real birthday” withmy 12-year-old daughter. Of course, this little plan was upended when she got abetter offer from one of her middle school friends. The mere fact of my reachinga half-century milestone was an obvious no-contender for an overnight withMelissa. This was still fine, though, especially since I managed to makelast-minute dinner plans with a close girlfriend. I was really in the mood forprime rib anyway, so perfecto – wewould meet at a place down the street where they had it on special.

After confirming with my friend, my little one’s overnightfell through, as so often happens when 12-year-olds commandeer their own socialevents. In the end, I guiltily left her by herself for a couple hours so Iwouldn’t disappoint my girlfriend, who seemed very excited herself about theprospect of dinner out. My prime rib turned into a chicken salad, however, whenthe waiter told us they had already run out of the special (probably I had beenbeaten to the punch by those early-dining old people who would be in bed byeight!) I resolved to arrive before five next time. At least, though, it was anoccasion for that ever-precious girl talk. After a light-hearted run-down of mybreast issues and upcoming biopsy, I listened as she confided about her currentmarital difficulties. Since I had been in her position not that long ago and aveteran of divorce, I could understand her feelings. We parted after dinner, mewishing her luck with her lazy, selfish husband, and her wishing me luck withdodging breast cancer. Oh, and Happy 50^th!

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, really. Who can deny allthe birthday perks? For me at 50, they included all of the above, plus somelittle extras… A pathological ex-boyfriend, who had ransacked my condo fouryears ago when I broke up with him, decided to text me a friendly “HappyBirthday,” making the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up as Irealized that sociopathic stalkers, like elephants, never forget. Oh, and my$10 birthday coupon from Victoria’s Secret – I’m still trying to figure out howI managed to drop $50 on one bra even with their special “gift” – and so manysolicitations from the AARP that I’m going to join just to make it stop!

At this point, I maintain that the number one best thingabout turning 50 is when it is over. Thank heavens that I can return to mynormal life of successes and problems without having them backlit by thegloriously blinding glare of my mortality. I am positive big ol’ 60 will be muchbetter, especially since I have vowed to book a cruise to Cabo for that one. Ofcourse, I’ll have to look into the onboard food poisoning situation beforehand.

The Cross

2011-10-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

A local boy was killed - suddenly, instantly, and tragically- when his car was broadsided by another vehicle at a rural intersection nearwhere I live. That was almost a year ago. November. It seems to me that thiscold, dark month always brings some heartbreak or another. I’ve often thoughtabout this. It’s the time of dying. The brightness of January’s new year hasdiminished like the last bit of a fire expiring. Just remove the “v,” and themonth could more accurately be named No-ember.

Anyway, the father of this unfortunate boy, taken from lifebefore even reaching 30 years of age, is someone I know, indirectly. Friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friendtype of situation. I feel utter compassion for him, not even daring to try toimagine what I would be going through if this were one of my daughters. Somethings are just too horrible to ponder.

Soon after the accident, a large, flower-embellished crosswas erected at the intersection, directly in view of all motorists making thatsame turn. A warning: be careful driving right now! It was a lovely cross atfirst, a bright display of beauty; but at that spot on the embankment, it wasdoomed to evoke only visions of catastrophe, and emotions of sadness and loss.

Stories of the accident swirled about the community for ashort time, the flowered cross an ever-present reminder. But naturally, as theweeks passed, the flowers adorning the cross wilted, faded, and browned. Withina couple months, the cross itself appeared extinguished, like death compoundingdeath. It took on a macabre aspect in its pronounced display of lifelessness.

And I began to be somewhat distracted at that intersectionas my imagination – I suppose - conjured a sense that the young man’s restlessspirit remained at that spot, incensed at being forced to flee his earthly bodyso soon. One black night, I was stopped there with my car headlights directlyilluminating the cross. Mesmerized by the heavy aura, I myself almost made theturn too soon in front of an oncoming vehicle. My heart pounded and I couldfeel the lightening rush of adrenalin shoot up my forearms as I clutched thesteering wheel. Did the fitful spirit of the dead boy wish for me a similarfate, so to have company in its anguish?

From then on, I dreaded passing that intersection. I had nochoice – it lay between me and a destination I visited frequently. A joyfuldestination: the house of my lover. But even after six months, seven months,eight months, more – that decrepit cross remained standing, drawing myunwilling attention. I became angry: why was it still there? After all, it wastoo homely and had been there too long to serve any further as a decent symbolof grief and reverence. It was beginning to look like a sacrilege, adesecration of its intended connotation of Holy sacrifice.

My mind began to plot a sabotage of the heinous object. Iwould sneak there after dark - with my lover along for moral support, of course– and push the cross into the carved-out stream bed behind it. After all, banishingit from its reign at that intersection could only be doing the unfortunate soulof the dead boy, as well as travelers who had to look upon it regularly, a bigservice. With it gone, the restless spirit would be free to “cross over” toheavenly peace, instead of being bound to earth by this disrespectful andwithered image.

Unfortunately, though – well, perhaps fortunately – my loverwas not agreeable to my plan for disposing of the cross. Granting respect tothe victim’s family, and avoiding bad karma were two strong points he madeabout this issue. I admit that the spiritual implications of hurling that crossinto the stream bed had already crossed my mind. Would I be eternally haunted byan apparition from the Netherworld – and an infuriated one, no less? Perhapsthis was not somewhere I or any human, besides the deceased’s loved ones, ofcourse, should tread.

And so I’ve relented. The cross remains at that spot in allits wasted, skeletal glory; and I try to ignore it as I drive by. It stillbothers me, though. Maybe God will send a great storm of wind and rain to layit down. But its fall won’t be by my hand. Leave the spirits to the spiritual,I suppose. As a mere mortal, perhaps the only thing I should be concerned withis looking carefully for oncoming traffic before I make that turn. Amen.

A Sample Query Letter - Non-Fiction Book

2011-09-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

There is so much discussion - conflicting opinions, advice, and warnings - about query letters for books. Too much, in my opinion. It makes the task of composing a query letter seem so onerous, one might delay or procrastinate doing so just because of the hype. Calm down, people. Let's just do this thing, and if it's not "perfect," oh well. A lesson learned, experience gained.

I think the best thing I've read about query letters is this: focus not so much on writing the flawless query letter as authoring a great book. Your book or book idea - if it's creative, compelling, and something people will actually want to read - will be the gem that you tout in your query letter. A smart agent or publisher knows how to recognize even a "diamond in the rough."

Personally, I learn the best by example. So here's a sample query letter I did for a non-fiction book idea brought to me by a new author. We're waiting for the results on this, but I think the letter is pretty good. I want some feedback, so don't be shy about making comments!

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent:

Step aside, Botox, Restylane, and Juvederm. Young, ripped, sexy men wanting to please me give me a better "injection" of youth than anything available from an aesthetician! As an over-40 female and three-time divorcé, I have finally discovered the power of cougarhood. And my 60,000-word, completed, non-fiction manuscript, Cougar Season Now Open: My Path from Victimhood to Cougarhood, tells how when I changed my attitude, I changed my dating pool.

Popularized by celebrities like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins; Ivana Trump and ...well, her array of young ex's, cougar dating is a hot, current relationship trend, one that's really just beginning. In Cougar Season Now Open, I share my collection of crazy, edgy, funny - and yes, at times, heartbreaking - episodes dating younger men. But there's even more for the reader than that.

Unlike other cougar dating books currently available, Cougar Season Now Open combines light, fun-and-risque stories with simply-stated wisdom and advice for healing from the past and finding out who we really are. The result is a book of rollicking escapades, by which the reader will mostly be entertained, but also "just might learn something." In addition to inspiring women to get back out in the playing field again - even if they've had too much relationship drama in the past - I reveal my post-divorce secrets for maintaining my sanity and youthful appearance. Especially relevant to women 40 years and older, my discoveries include everything from cardio-boxing and Internet dating to Tantra spirituality.

My personal experiences with men, marriage, relationships, and dating are far from being my sole inspiration for writing this book. As the owner/manager of a San Diego women's fitness club for several years, I spend most of my waking hours talking with other women - clients, friends, and employees - of all ages and from a vast variety of lifestyles. As a result, I've got a head full of know-how and perspective about females. Cougar Season Now Open is the "climax" of all I've learned, giving anyone who reads it (besides a ton of guilty pleasure) a surprising look at how women think about and behave with men.

I truly appreciate your time and consideration of this query, and I look forward to sending you my full proposal at your request.

Sincerely,
Future Best-Selling Author

Vanity Sanity

2011-07-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

I think I’m beautiful. But maybe I’m not. What’s beautiful to some is not beautiful to others. The very worst thing to do – which I just did - is to say you’re beautiful, because then people will really come down on you. No you’re not! You’re bragging about yourself! I’ll bet you think you’re better than me! Whether or not they say they’re beautiful, good-looking people get a lot more flack than they deserve. They are judged by others as superficial; so “into their looks,” they don’t care about anybody else; narcissistic; “stuck” on themselves; vain; and arrogant.

Unfortunately, in some cases, this is true. But like any prejudice, condemning all on the basis of a few is simply ignorant.

I’ve always deeply appreciated beauty in any form, having been born with artistic/aesthetic sensibilities. As young as six or seven, I can remember how I admired the shining yellow locks and enormous violet eyes of the Goldilocks pictured in one of my favorite storybooks. My image of feminine beauty was likely taking shape even before that age. Always I preferred my blond-haired dolls to the brunette ones (my own hair was disappointingly brown). As regards body size, it was pretty obvious that Nancy Drew, Cinderella, the girls in The Brady Bunch, and the most popular girls in my class at school were not overweight.

Society’s beliefs about who is beautiful are evident even to the very young. At that tender age, we absorb what we see and hear, along with related qualitative judgments. With all the outside influences, it seems impossible not to equate particular varieties of hair color, body size, and skin quality with health, beauty, and ultimately, goodness and success.

Every single one of us struggles with aspects of the physical ideals. We’d like to have a clear, smooth complexion, but are plagued by chronic acne. We’d like our bodies to be thin, toned, or curvaceous, but aren’t willing to change our eating or exercising habits. Our noses are too big, our hair is thinning, and our teeth are crooked. The number or degree of our aberrations from the ideal seem so overwhelming at times, many of us give up trying to address them and simply accept them as part of who we are. Or maybe we are fortunate enough to never feel self-conscious about any of our personal attributes, or lack thereof, in the first place.

The extent to which we care – or don’t care – about our physical appearance is yet another trait, but a character trait instead of a bodily one. If we have concerns about how we look, we’ll put time and effort into modifying what we can. Obviously it follows that those who don’t put stock in physical beauty will be unmotivated to make changes. Caring and not caring about physical appearance are two different attitudes, and one is not necessarily superior to the other.

People who are truly comfortable with who they are – including those who accept themselves whatever they look like – will not criticize or judge someone who possesses more of the features society considers beautiful. It never fails for me that the more critical I am of other people, the unhappier I am with something about myself. Taking a hard look at why I’ve ever held a negative attitude toward someone because they were attractive, I’d have to admit that much of this was simple jealousy on my part.

Therefore, I might as well put my focus in the right place: on me. Sometimes all I can do about the parts of me I don’t like, is change my attitude toward them. Accept them. This also applies to unattractive character traits like jealousy, by the way. In my experience, once I air out the “ugly” and hard-to-accept facets of myself – physical or attitudinal - they begin to lose their power over me. This clears the way for addressing them, perhaps even ridding myself of the troubling ones.

I used to feel very guilty about the fact that after turning 40, I decided to get Botox injections to combat the ever-encroaching wrinkles on my face. My early programming caused me to condemn this practice as vain and unnecessary (even though I did it anyway). After all, shouldn’t I be using that money for something more meaningful or important, like household upkeep or décor, buying my kids better quality clothes, or future college tuition?

It took me a long time to get rid of the martyr mentality and change my view on investing in my appearance. Now I trust myself enough to realize that putting a reasonable amount of money toward things that help me feel good about myself is a form of healthy self-care, not self-absorption.

I treat myself to cute clothes, too, because they make me feel attractive. And by “cute,” I mean form-fitting. Since I’m blessed with the willingness to run over 20 miles per week for exercise, feeling good about my body size is a perk accompanying the bigger rewards of fitness and health. Admittedly, sometimes looking good (and eating more!) are foremost in my mind, but why over-analyze my motivations if the end result is healthy?

Self-care is a privilege for which I’m grateful, not the selfish demonstration of vanity I used to think it was. Beauty often is a by-product of self-care, but so are health and vitality. For me, “it’s all good,” as they say, so I don’t waste time with guilt about it anymore.

If I had a flourishing garden in which I took great pride because it produced a paradise of flowers, would I not invest effort into maintaining it? You bet I would! If I didn’t, I’d lose something I valued, including the pure joy of seeing those blossoms. So it is with me: if I truly appreciate the parts of me that are beautiful, I will do what is needed to maintain and nurture them. And if that means hair-coloring, exercise, Botox, and regular examinations of conscience, so be it! Because I think that beauty, like life itself – is nothing less than a gift intended for our free and limitless delight.

Deepest Wisdom and Truth

2011-07-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Teresa

2011-07-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recession Depression

2011-07-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

If you write it, they will come. Perhaps…once you’ve established your list of previously-published works; contacts with successful agents and editors; upper-level degrees in English, Communication, Journalism or the like; impressive multi-page website; frequent participation in networking events; and demonstrated social media slight of hand. It hasn’t taken me long to realize that neither freelance writing, nor indeed self-employment itself, is any Field of Dreams.

Like any beginner entrepreneur, I have found that the simple ability to provide a service or product is far from sufficient to eke a living from it, even if you excel at what you do. Certainly this has never been more evident than now, during these dark days of our country’s economy. As unemployment reaches new peaks and consumer spending new depths, the number of small businesses and sole proprietors has soared, and competition among them is intense.

Cast adrift by down-sizing or defunct employers, millions of once-stable professionals – many of whom are upwards of forty years old – are now left to figure out how to survive without an adequate income or, frequently, the ability to procure medical benefits. Employers with openings naturally choose to fill them with younger applicants who accept lower pay and cost less to enroll in company medical plans. Unable to compete, the now-unemployed, mature professionals have few other options besides self-employment.

One daunting challenge to the unemployed professional reinventing him- or herself as an independent contractor is the new and generally more complex tools required to do business of any kind. Although my children have had the advantage of being raised in the communication technology era, I’m beginning to understand the sentiments of my parents, who don’t even own a computer. Sometimes it seems impossible to compete in business today unless one is wired-in 24/7 with mobile Internet access; conversant with website functionality, Search Engine Optimization, and professional networking websites; as well as equipped with an Iphone, laptop, or Ipad. The list of high-tech and even higher priced devices gets longer every day. Already struggling, how does a newly-launched entrepreneur pay for these ever-evolving business communication tools? Not only that, but I myself have an instinctual resistance towards investing large portions of uncompensated time into figuring out how to use devices that are being further upgraded even as I unload them from their packaging.

Of course, all the current sophisticated communication tools have opened up numerous new possibilities for other entrepreneurs to offer such secondary services that include designing your website, maintaining your computer, teaching you to use social media, taking your picture for your online profile, streamlining your accounting with Quickbooks, or creating a video for your business that you can use in online advertising. The companies offering these services make such a strong case for the necessity of these technological tools (how can I possibly compete with businesses that pop up on search engines before me, for heaven’s sake?), that new entrepreneurs feel they must buy them, as well as the adjunct services that come with them.

It seems to me that much of this technology and the businesses that feed off it, offer little more than expensive distractions to a sole proprietor’s actually beginning to work and earn money. But of course, I had to learn this through costly research of my own. I, too, started out with all the ignorance and naïveté of someone starting her own business for the first time.

Networking is another highly-touted way to grow one’s client base. And since the cost of print advertising is prohibitive to a start-up business – and yes, of course, I tried this anyway and lost hundreds of dollars with little to no benefit – joining networking groups appears to be a sound marketing decision. I’ve tried plenty over the past year or two, experiencing a wide spectrum of atmospheres, levels of commitment, referral requirements, and cost for membership or per event.

The members, for the most part, appear to be friendly, righteous, empathetic, and supportive peers. Abounding with “business coaches,” real estate agents, organic health specialists, and massage therapists, these groups are comprised mainly of other struggling business-people. Not exactly a great pool of potential clients, since they themselves are financial searchers. The entrepreneur making the most profit from networking groups is the person who organizes them. Starting networking groups has become yet another cottage industry that preys on needy business-people looking for clients.

One especially annoying consequence of meeting people at these groups is being the victim of their “follow-up.” Basically, this means that within about one to two days after attending an event where I meet a bunch of new fellow entrepreneurs, someone calls me or emails me to indicate they are interested in consulting with me about their idea for a book, or in some way using the writing and copyediting services I offer to promote their business. But once I am lured into a face-to-face, time-consuming meeting with them, I find out the truth. They have feigned interest in my writing in order to lure me into a selling situation regarding their own product or service!

Even trying to be direct and state to them upfront that I’m not interested in what they offer does not deter them from trying to persuade me to “meet for coffee.” They tell me they just “want to be friends,” as they ask about my family, background, and hobbies with pretend warmth and interest. I have been tricked into more coffee dates and meetings with “friends” than I care to recount. What have we come to, I wonder, when we have to lie and use manipulative ploys to attract clients? I already mentioned that I am naïve, perhaps idealistic as well, but at least I am honest. In my world, it’s preferable to live in a cardboard box than sacrifice my personal integrity…but that is me.

All these experiences I’ve had as a sole proprietor have been instructive, yet discouraging. Like the economic news and forecasts of our country in general, I suppose… But what other option is there except to keep trying in hopes of a lucky break? One has to learn to turn a blind eye to the defeats, to the slowly or rapidly dwindling bank accounts, to the fact that a major illness could wipe out every bit of money in a heartbeat, to the self-righteous outcries of the “have’s” that we “have not’s” are a bunch of lazy, entitled tax burdens.

Whether my challenges are industry-specific or common to self-employment novices in general, I continue to look for avenues out of and up from my current situation. A lot of this involves blind faith. But faith nonetheless. In the end, whether we’re financially stable or not, this is what will sustain us as we hope for better, not only for ourselves as individuals, but for the our country and the world as a whole.

The Idiot Stab

2011-06-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

There are times in life where caution, premeditation, and over-consideration of consequences must be cast aside so that your goals and ideas can become realities instead of constipated brain exercises. Let’s face it, thinking something through completely before taking action could take weeks, months, or forever if you’re hung up on “perfect planning.” In many instances, therefore, I prefer to take an “idiot stab,” which means I take some form of action – ANY will do – that will start the ball rolling in the general direction of my objective.

This strategy works in those countless, annoying situations where you want to try something you’ve never attempted, or achieve some end, but there is an obstruction standing in your way. Many times, the problem is internal, and has to do with your own fears. When you think about doing something to move forward, your anxious mind starts its negative patter of what-if’s. What if I fail? What if I don’t like it? What if people laugh at me? What if I lose money? What if I’m disappointed with the result?

Unfortunately, though, your mind won’t leave you alone for choosing inactivity either. The patter in your head changes its tack, but the talk still crowds out any hope of psychic peace. What if I regret never trying this? What if I don’t try it and miss out? What if I could have been a millionaire? What if I look like a loser to my friends and family?

Yikes – by about this time, you’re headed for the nearest liquor store!

Sometimes, another person is standing between you and what you want to do. An example - the longed-for promotion you know you deserve, except that your boss hasn’t offered it and seems less and less likely to do so every day. Or the spouse who keeps promising he’ll clean the garage so you can actually park your car in it, but it’s a year later and he still hasn’t started organizing his 145-piece tool collection housed on every square foot of floor space.

Is it any wonder that I’ve been driven to the idiot stab by these frustrating quandaries? I have to say, the stab has provided me instant relief many a time. Just a week ago, for example, I noticed my boyfriend’s long pants were so worn, they were fraying at the bottom. Since he only has one or two pairs of non-jeans pants, I decided he could use a couple new pairs. However, being a guy, the last thing he cares about is shopping for pants. I got positive lip service to my proposal that we go out together to buy them, but I knew actually doing this would rank a negative on his numbered list of priorities.

So I took a stab – went to a men’s clothing store myself, and picked out two pairs of pants. Because he’s a tall man, I had them adjust the bottom hems to match the length of other pairs I had peeked at in his closet. So proud of myself, I was – I had done my research, taken action, and would now present him with two new, lovely pairs of pants!

Well, here’s the downside of the stab…it often results in calculation errors. Probably because there is basically no calculation used. Go figure! Anyway, the pants were too tight in the hips, and too short. Ugh! Why can’t these tricky manufacturers agree on the actual length of 34 inches? I wondered if my over-$150 speculative pants purchase was to go down in flames.

But here is the glory of the stab technique. Even though I blew the particulars of the project, my actions resulted in my boyfriend putting attention and effort toward making things right. We met at the store, and exchanged the non-fitting pairs for two others that fit and were even more stylish! Plus, I lost no money on the exchange. A happy ending, thanks to the stab.

I have used the stab in countless other areas that appeared too awesome to accomplish via thoroughly-planned execution: going into business for myself; writing; getting my kid admitted to and enrolled in college; going on a vacation with no particular destination in mind.

I even used the idiot stab on the example above, trying to get my husband to clean the garage. Finally, without consulting him (stab), I hired a team of maids to get the place in shape. They worked all day, organizing, dusting, mopping, and throwing away trash. Well, was my husband surprised when he came home from work! Perhaps “surprised” isn’t the word I should use. “Mortified” might work better, on second thought. He viewed this triumph of cleanliness as a conspiracy to make it so he couldn’t find his “stuff” for a year. Actually, his complaints continued for well over a year, maybe even up until the time of our divorce.

See what I mean? The idiot stab, which anyone can use (no minimum intellect required), stirs the pot and sets things in motion. More often than not, I’ve been happy with the results: I’ve either eventually reached my goal, or gotten something much better. In the case of my husband and the garage, not only did I get a clean garage, but also eventually a handsome, new boyfriend with very nice pants.

Face-Down in Facebook

2011-05-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

Even though I don’t think of myself as a “chronic Facebooker,” i.e. someone who is compelled to post on this giant of the Social Networking Machine several times each day, I do find the site somewhat addicting. But like a drug, it can affect my moods and emotions, and not always in a positive way. As the high-tech version of a real-life community, Facebook offers yet another stage on which I can soar like a meteor or fall on my face. Only in this particular venue, everyone I know, along with many I don’t know, get to witness my hits and misses!

I resisted as much as possible to even check out Facebook, but was finally worn down by the constant references to the site, and admonitions of business advisers that if I wasn’t “visible” on Facebook, at the very least, my small writing and editing business was sure to wash up on the shores of Never-Heard-Of-It Land. What choice did I have?

Since it was relatively easy to set up and navigate, Facebook seemed interesting and potentially entertaining at first. Of course, being a grown-up adult with actual work and responsibilities, I immediately rejected any involvement with Mafia Wars, Farmville, or the other gaming possibilities. Heavens! I have enough problems keeping my kids from running amuck, food in the cupboard, and my pets from destroying our house, without worrying about managing a farm.

It was exhilarating, though, to see people I know accept my “Friend Request.” My list of friends grew in number to the respectable double digits. I am not a triple-digit-friend-list person - this I know. But I tend to be more into quality not quantity, so in my world, less can be more. My little and overly-utilized brain can only handle so much, after all.

Being the somewhat reserved type, I didn’t post anything at all for quite some time. I didn’t know what to say… I felt like the new kid on a playground, wanting to join in but not knowing any games! Observing the site’s rules of engagement took some time, but eventually, after reading what my “Facebook friends” were contributing, I became bold enough to “post a status.” I tried some Wise and Profound Quotes first, wishing I had been the deep thinker who had thought them up. To my surprise and delight, others clicked “Like” on a few of these witty one-liners.

The most exciting moment, of course, was when I posted the link to my latest blog entry, after which three people actually posted complimentary comments, and a total of five clicked “Like.” To me, that was like an audience throwing roses onto my own personal stage. Is there any more potent tonic than an artist feeling appreciated for her work?

Talk about instant gratification for a show of approval! I was hooked and wanted more of those virtual strokes. In my imagination, people – friends, friends of friends, perhaps friends of friends of friends – would like my posts so much, they’d start looking for them, waiting for them… I yearned to be a Facebook favorite.

But like the high from a sugar-binge destined to end in a crash, it was inevitable that my dreams of Facebook fame would wear off and I’d be let down. This, of course, came quickly when subsequent posts drew minimal or no response on the part of my so-called “friends!” Even my darling boyfriend neglected to bestow his virtual praise on several of my posts. More of that, I thought, and he’ll be my real-life ex-boyfriend!

Status updates, a link to a new article I had written, even my favorite Taylor Swift music video got no “Likes,” and no comments. Had anyone even looked at them, I wondered? Was I not the amusing wit I thought myself to be? Self-doubt began to seep into my insecure psyche…

And then, it happened. One of my network of Facebook friends disappeared off my list. I had been “de-friended!” What? Was it something I had posted? Maybe everyone secretly despised my obnoxious remarks! My head reeled. It was too much. I felt rejected in the Facebook world, and it hurt just as much as in the “real” world.

In dealing with the anguish over this situation, though, a tiny light of sane thinking shone through my murky haze of self-absorption. Had I been so focused on my own status that I had ignored other people’s comments and posts? Somehow I had overlooked a basic tenet of all relationships: whether in a live community or using social media, one has to give as well as receive. Translated to Facebook, that meant I needed to pay more attention to what my friends were posting, instead of focusing only on what attention my statuses were getting. The thought of contributing to my Facebook community instead of simply drawing ego gratification from it began to take hold. It was yet another experience with humiliation leading me to humility.

To redeem myself in part, I have made some other notable observations after my first year of being on Facebook. It has become apparent to me that most of my friends respond more favorably to the visual – photographs, videos, or graphics - than to the time-consuming challenge of reading. Perhaps it’s just faster, easier, and more fun to look at a nifty picture than to have to concentrate on digesting the written word.

Whatever the reason, when I’m feeling ignored, I simply post a particularly adorable picture of one of my pets, and I get plenty of “Likes” every time. So if my goal is to play to the crowd, I may as well give them what they want: cute animal pictures seem to do the trick and are far less intellectually taxing than writing something. I’ll leave my writing exploits to those who care to put in more than five seconds on a topic of interest.

Perhaps I was missing the most significant point of Facebook. Readers want it to be entertaining – and instantly so – more than anything else. Posts should be supremely sweet, shocking, or dramatic. But most importantly, short! What I need now to help my business is a colorfully animated graphic of pens dancing on a piece of paper, or books with arms and legs blowing kisses. Hmm… perhaps I can find a graphic designer through Facebook.

Insider Tips for Finding Money

2011-04-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

Times are tough, without a doubt. The economy of our great nation has certainly seen better days, and for some, even the simple things present a challenge: eating, paying the rent, getting adequate medical care, keeping up our perfect attendance record at Friday Happy Hour, maintaining our spa membership. Need I go on?

With an eye to ending some of the whining, however, I herein divulge some of my most closely-held trade secrets of advanced money-finding. Friends, these techniques are culled from decades of hands-on and eyes-down experience.

While the salad days of finding fives or even twenties lying underneath the front counter candy display at the car wash may be long past, money-finding is still a lucrative venue for anyone with cash-flow issues. Those of you who have been laid off or “down-sized” out of a job – put your hands in the air! You have simply been offered more time to find your money, an occupation requiring no prior training or experience, and immediate commissions. Hours previously frittered away at some job can now be productively spent scouring the neighborhood or local mall, hitting street fairs and sporting events, or surveying the front-line check-out area at the grocery store. They don’t call this the Land of Opportunity for nothing!

First and foremost, keep in mind that with money-finding - just as in real estate - success is based on location, location, location. Go where the people are, or better yet, have just been. Anyplace where people gather is a potential cash-cow for the advanced money-finder, particularly places where people gather and get inebriated. Hello bars, clubs, and casinos! Coins thoughtlessly flung onto tables and bars hydroplane over pools of beer onto the floor. Your strategic positioning at the next table will pay off in double-decimal-digits when the group starts breaking up, and most of the coin-flingers leave for the restroom.

Another excellent spot is one I fondly call my own “automated teller machine.” But I’m not talking banks, silly! I’m referring to the fast-food drive-up window. Or, more specifically, the pavement underneath the drive-up window. Have you ever noticed how much coinage is dropped as people are paying for their tacos and burgers? And avoiding suspicion is very simple: “accidentally” let a dime or nickel slip from your hand as you’re paying the cashier, then exclaim, “Oh, that was my last dime!” Of course, you simply have to open the door of your car and reach down for it, giving you the chance to scoop up yours and everyone else’s last dime.

The second huge factor in winning at money-finding is timing. Like the old saying about the early bird, the closer to daybreak you’re pounding the sidewalks and parking lots, the less likely someone else will have already picked up last night’s spillage. Additional fine-tuning of your technique will have you scheduling your sweeps immediately after routine trash pickup and street cleaning. My personal theory is that quarters, nickels, and dimes are too small to be trapped in these utility trucks’ holding areas. They wind up filtering down through the debris, then out to the street through joints in the machinery. Ca-ching!

Another advantage of early-morning legal-tender-trekking is that as people leave for work at this hour, they move their cars from curbside parking spots. Left exposed is the money that slipped from their hands, purse, or wallet the night before; coins and bills that then bounced, rolled, or drifted underneath their vehicle. Safely out of view until you appear for the beginning of your own “work day.”

If you happen to be putting in overtime at night, be sure to make effective use of the “reflective technique,” which depends upon ambient evening light sources for illumination of round, shiny objects. I have actually found the reflective technique a more reliable indicator of currency on the ground than a search in broad daylight! This advanced strategy is definitely one to remember, silver-scavengers. It has paid off for me in piles of found coinage under what might otherwise be considered adverse environmental conditions.

As you may be gleaning, money-finding is a science which requires good eyesight, quick reflexes, and strategic planning. Strong legs and back don’t hurt either! However, the pay-off is well worth the effort, and this industry truly imparts new meaning to “living off the land.”

What’s more, the occupation of money-finding has potential for personal growth and fulfillment. In my own case, I can proudly say that after years of experience in the field, I no longer stoop for pennies. Nowadays, nickels are my collection minimum. My higher standards are a victorious reflection of my growing self-esteem. Today (I tell you with a tear in my eye), I am worthy of more than just copper. Silver and bills are the hallmark of my new quality of life and existence.

So despair not, financial strugglers. There is a job for you, with no application or interview necessary. All it takes is commitment, effort, and discipline. The ultimate American dream of a tax-free living is indeed within your reach…literally.

Writing For Me

2011-03-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

For me, writing is far more than just an instrument of communication; it goes far deeper than that. Writing is the bridge between my internal life and the outside world, both the means to an end as well as the end itself. I am not a story-teller: the only story I care to write about is my own. Thus the plot is ordinary, but my thoughts and attitudes about what exists around me can be complex, deeply-seeded, and ever-changing. And hopefully evocative to some readers to see the mundane in the light of their own inner uniqueness. All becomes so much more precious and beautiful that way.

Words are my paint, paper my canvas. Sometimes I see something so striking and appealing, or ugly and disturbing, that I simply must talk about it pen-in-hand. This I try to do in my way, using language to basically describe and clarify first, then to embellish. Not much different from the painter who builds a picture, using white and pastels to highlight and draw the eye’s attention, darker colors to subdue or convey a mood. It is all art, which seeks to affect in some way the people that can appreciate its message.

Yes, I write for a living, so my skill with words and language has also had a practical purpose. Creativity is one trait I claim, but I also crave organization, and my report and marketing writing for businesses allows me the opportunity to exercise that. Or exorcise, as I’m often like one possessed when it comes to correct grammar, spelling, and word usage. I don’t know many people who proofread their text messages before hitting “send,” but I admit I am one of them.

Organization of ideas, paragraphs, sentences, and words fulfills me the way it does when I clean out a drawer. I throw out the things that are worthless and unnecessary, and try to put the valuable items in their proper place. Writing for business is a form requiring directness, with less need for description and creative embellishment; in this respect, it can be easier to compose. On the other hand, some business writing, such as marketing communication or resumes, necessitates use of specific language to glorify the subject and persuade the reader that they need to procure it no matter the cost.

But by far the most personal and necessary use of writing in my life has been to express my mental, emotional, and spiritual condition. Perhaps it is because I’ve been doing this for so long – “journaling” since I was in my teens – that writing has become almost inseparable from who I am. There have been times, and still are, when my notebook is my always-available confidante, one that doesn’t judge what I reveal nor how I say it. Generally, the only descriptive verbiage I use in this writing is four-letter words. And lots of exclamation points.

Honestly, journaling is a spiritual experience for me, because when I’m spilling my guts on paper, I’m aware that God is reading it. (Duh! Who do I think put the feelings and expressive words there in the first place?) Although I don’t understand how this happens, I get greater acceptance of all those feelings, both difficult and joyful, after I write about them. And if God and I can stomach all that crowds my head, it becomes more likely to me that other people will not be put off by it either.

Considering all the above, writing helps me to survive on many levels – financially, artistically, emotionally, and spiritually. A means not only to survive, but to thrive and grow. Although it has its challenges and frustrations, writing gives back to me according to the effort I put into it. Like so many things in life, practice is the key.

Proven over and over to me, however, is that my life is better the more I write. Or perhaps the better my life is, the more I am writing. At this point, it doesn’t matter because it is all good. And I want to write all about it.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

2011-03-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

Most of us talk – or write – a pretty good game, but where do we stand when it comes to our actions matching the nobility of our words? The consistency between our words and behavior has been on my mind lately. I’ve had a few recent, poignant experiences in which insincere words led to big-time disappointment for me or others.

Consider the chart-topping singer/songwriter who croons about love and life and peace, then makes the news ranting at the manager of a Hollywood club who can’t accommodate him with the best table in the house. Or the best-selling author who writes about successful relationship strategies, but meanwhile has been divorced twice and is still single. More than once I have put people on pedestals because of the ideas they seem to espouse, only to be disillusioned when I find out how they actually lead their lives.

A few tough questions might clarify how well you demonstrate words-and-actions consistency in your own life. When you tell a friend or a business acquaintance you’ll “get back to them” in a couple days, how often do you actually follow through within two days, or even within a week or two? Or after accepting an invitation for a party that’s more than a few days away, how often do you wind up as a no-show when something better comes up in the meantime? Ever promise a good friend you’ll help her with some big task she’s working on, and then somehow “forget” you ever offered? The variations on this modus operandi are endless, but they all add up to one thing: lack of consistency.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been as guilty as anyone of consistency misdemeanors. Well, we might even call them lies, if we want to cut through denial and actually identify this behavior accurately. My aim here is not to provoke guilt (well, maybe a tiny bit of guilt might be in order) or point fingers, but to raise awareness of how often and easy it becomes to say things we don’t really mean.

When we make vows to others in the moment, they are a convenient panacea, bridging the gap of what otherwise might be filled with awkward, uncomfortable truth. Satisfying our momentary compulsion to people-please, we move on with little or no further consideration given to what we said. Thus we conveniently avoid having to put in the effort required to follow through, all the while patting ourselves on the back for being so diplomatic and smooth in our dealings with others.

The problem is, those feel-good statements turn into hurtful weapons unless we use them responsibly. If you are one of those who adhere to the Golden Rule, how can you justify this form of dishonesty? Have you ever been at the receiving end of this treatment, feeling disappointed because someone didn’t keep a promise? If you have, you are likely familiar with the pain of having others plant an expectation within you, then feeling hurt and disillusioned when no action follows. Resentment naturally rears its ugly head at this point, presenting another troubling emotion we are left to handle. What a mess! And a self-serving tactic for those who speak frivolously, because the resultant pain is felt by the recipient, not by the speaker.

The worst offenders at not matching words to actions are so used to making statements without meaning what they say, that they are not even consciously aware they do it. It has become an ingrained and comfortable habit. I would venture to guess these same people also make promises to themselves – such as vowing to stay on a diet, exercise more, spend less money, etc. – that are revered for a short time before being forgotten or abandoned. To be honest, my experience is that the people who actually demonstrate consistency are far outnumbered by those who do not. It’s sad to think that perhaps this tendency is so prevalent in society, it is no longer regarded as the victimizing behavior that it is.

Clearly the payoff of saying things we don’t mean reinforces our continuing to do so. After all, as humans we know that it’s generally easier to not take responsibility. And perhaps people around us, maybe even our parents, were talkers-not-doers, so we merely modeled this trait as “normal.”

Whatever the reason for it, being inconsistent is best addressed by examining ourselves, not others. It is far easier to complain about people that don’t act in accordance with their words, than to look closely at our own culpability in this regard. Obviously, becoming honest with ourselves about our own inconsistencies requires that we be willing, since facing our defects is humbling and somewhat painful. However, the pay-off is huge: a surge in our self-esteem; development of greater emotional maturity; and higher-quality, more honest relationships with others. A word of caution, however: the more sincere you try to be in your dealings with others, the greater will be your awareness of others who cannot or will not demonstrate this quality. You might find yourself choosing to hang around a new group of more trustworthy friends and acquaintances.

As with any personal growth work we do, we always want to remember to praise ourselves for making attempts, and give ourselves credit for even small improvements.

As I stumble through this journey myself, falling now and again into the pit of escaping discomfort with insincere words, I learn to feel a bit more compassion for those infuriating hypocrites I have to deal with. Hmm…looks like I still have some work to do!

Charity

2011-03-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt and remain quiet. Charity is accepting one’s differences, weaknesses and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we hoped. Charity is expecting the best of each other. None of us needs one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed. Most of us are already well aware of the area we are weak. What each of us does need is a friend who believes in us, and believes we are doing the best we can in spite of our weakness. Whatever happened to hoping another person would succeed or achieve? Whatever happened to rooting for each other?”

~ Marvin Ashton

Writing From the Heart

2011-02-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I had the pleasure of attending a short presentation by Joan Brady, an authoress of international renown whose first book, God on a Harley, was a New York Times bestseller. Ms. Brady immediately caught my eye: an attractive woman in her late 50’s with strawberry-blond hair, wearing a top that was yellow/green bordering on neon.

Never having read anything by Ms. Brady, I sat back to listen. I had heard that God on a Harley had a spiritual theme, which intrigued me because I love to ponder this same topic in my own writing.

From the very beginning, Ms. Brady’s story was unique and captivating. But what impressed me the most was this author’s humility and authenticity. She had been a nurse for 22 years prior to embarking on her writing career, and the stories of her hospital and patient experiences were harrowing. Clearly she was no stranger to the full range of human emotions that tend to surface when people’s loved ones are sick or dying in a hospital bed. Pain, fear, anger, grief, joy, love, compassion, relief, dread – to name just a few – plus everything in between.

Experiencing life-and-death human drama nearly every day for over two decades had resulted in Ms. Brady feeling burnt-out, helpless, confused and angry at God, whose existence she questioned in light of witnessing so much suffering. Agonized by her own feelings of sadness and emptiness, she took pen to hand and began to release the pain through writing about it. Her notebook became her confidante and comfort, and in it she purged herself of all the questions she had for God about everything. And this was before she even fully believed there was a God.

Fortunately for Ms. Brady and for millions of people who have read her books, somewhere along this journey she did begin to believe in a loving and protecting God. And frequently, when faith and hope emerge from ashes, life-changing choices and miracles start to occur. Turning her back on her long-term, financially-stable nursing position, Ms. Brady packed up all her belongings and drove to the west coast to pursue a writing career. With limited money and no clear plan for her new life, Ms. Brady traveled across the country and wound up renting a small apartment in San Diego. At this point, she had penned the manuscript of God on a Harley several years earlier. However, after submitting it to numerous publishers over a period of six years, she had received only rejection letters.

Ms. Brady was nearly destitute and doomed to be evicted from her apartment when God on a Harley was finally accepted by an agent, resulting ultimately in a $250,000 advance from a large publishing house. This was the start of Joan’s successful career as an author. In addition to having several books published in the United States, she has a huge readership internationally, particularly in Spain.

In spite of her obvious prestige as a best-selling author, however, Joan Brady is a self-professed “Jersey girl,” and I could tell that she says what she means and means what she says. Direct, honest, and self-effacing, Ms. Brady impressed me by relating to all the aspiring authors in the room, including me, letting us know that she has and still does experience the ups and downs of the publishing business. What a relief to know that even a highly-regarded author still struggles at times with writing, just like me.

It is not surprising that God on a Harley, which I am now halfway through reading, conveys the simple and timeless truths that we all forget in this world of money, power, and prestige. Namely, the beauty and significance of each person as a gifted and capable individual, worthy of self-respect and respect from others. Granted, I am not done reading the book, but I suspect the main character will learn how to see herself in a loving light, the same light in which God sees us.

Ms. Brady’s talk revealed something of her personality and attitudes, and I found them fully consistent with someone evolved enough to compose a book dealing with the spiritual. Put another way, she seems like a genuinely loving person. Ms. Brady shared with us that she writes from her heart, and I will remember that piece of wisdom forever, I hope. To me, that is when we are doing our very best writing, when the words come from our heart and soul. This is expressing something of God to others, I believe, and what could be better than writing for such a purpose?

I thank Joan Brady for being harmonious in her beliefs, attitudes, actions, and words. It is rare to meet someone with the love, maturity - and in Ms. Brady’s case, imagination and talent – to pull this off.

Happy, Happy Flowers!

2011-02-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

I pass this bush almost every day while taking my dog Oscar for his walk. The plant gets happier and happier - more little flowers popping out each day like miniature smiles. For months, these pink bits of perfection have continued to cover the feathery branches. It makes me wonder: when will it rest, when will it be done? The way I get swept up in its beauty, I secretly hope never.

Big Sister, Little Mother

2011-02-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

What the world would have us expect of childhood can be pretty different from the real experience of a young insider growing up in a family. Unfortunately, we have no clue about this until we’re old enough to know there’s anything different.

So like all infants, my universe was the people in my immediate family; they were everyone and everything. Their faces, smiling or angry; their words, gentle or shrill – what does a child have except instinct to guide her to sources of comfort and love in those pre-verbal years? And so I attribute to instinct my early gravitation to big sister. I was completely taken with her, probably way before the time my mind was even capable of storing memories.

With a delightfully round face and enormous brown eyes, big sister was gentle, harmless, and best of all, she had endless time for me! Time to talk to me, play secret hiding games with me, giggle about mean grown-ups and strange kids with me, watch TV with me, and fight with me. She was inseparable from my world as I knew it, and from me.

I shamefully admit that one of her most attractive qualities was probably her size. Despite being two years older than me, she was shorter and smaller-boned. Sometimes we would spread our hands and fingers apart and bring them together, hers against mine. Always my fingers were longer, my hand able to entirely eclipse hers. So in that way, I could feel bigger and stronger than her, able to dominate at my will and whim. And with my wilder and more tempestuous nature, I often exercised this dominance during our sibling scraps. Able to be the physical victor, if only in this two-person arena, made me a powerful and important little girl. Survival within a family is sometimes no different than in the jungle, where the brawnier animals secure their position over those more frail.

Big sister – I needed her gentleness even while using it to my advantage, a dependency that helped and hurt. But allow me to survive, she did… We gave each other comfort on those nights laying only a few feet apart on our twin beds, listening with anguish to our parents’ yelling voices. Mercifully and reliably, she was by my side when we learned that our precious kitten had been killed by a fan-belt blade while trying to keep warm in the engine of a neighbor’s car. And hers the first face offering consolation and the possibility of redemption when my bottom was sore from a spanking and my spirit bruised from shame.

Mostly, though, we played and teased and made endless entertainment from nothing. Boring car rides were perfect for tickling and poking and uncontrollable laughter. In our bedroom, an entire cast of our stuffed animals discoursed at length in voices borrowed from us. Adrift a few feet offshore in our “floatie,” I was “Cap-i-tan” and she was “Mate-y” as we adventured on the high seas. And who could throw the other off-balance while laying flat on our parents’ big bed with the bottoms of our feet joined in the air, each of us pushing against each other as our backs arched up off the mattress?

In the later years, we would lay side-by-side on her double bed listening to “Mystery Theater” on the radio, whispering and giggling about boys we liked, grievances with petty girlfriends, and the illusiveness of belonging to the “in” crowd at school. It was a routine I grew familiar with, until it was over forever.

Inevitable it was that my sister - my closest confidante, partner in fun and crime – would grow past me and dive fully into the fascination of her peer group. To compete was impossible, and I began sensing that I was nothing more than an inconvenience to her. She began to drift away, and was absent from my life in what seemed like seconds. This was natural, of course; she was older than me. But the suddenness was acute, magnified by my unfortunate inability to adapt and belong amongst those in my own age group. If only I had half her social skills and confidence! Feeling abandoned, alone, and inferior, I was paralyzed with fear and choked by grief that I could not even identify.

With no wisdom or experience to draw on, I began a decades-long detour of trying to imitate what I believed to be my big sister’s superior qualities. She became the model of who I should be, her life the template of what my own life should look like. Tragically, this course - based on my faulty illusions - resulted in decades of harsh and unrelenting self-judgment, including a 17-year marriage that ultimately fell apart.

Too many years punctuated by ongoing defeat and overwhelming sadness finally did teach me the lessons in self-love that became nothing short of absolutely necessary for me to go on living. Thank God.

My big sister – I love her still and more than ever! But the way I love her today doesn’t compel her to be my mother or my perfect-life model anymore. Bless her for being that when I needed it. In a very real way, I owe her my existence. Our early bond gave me joy that I could remember in later, unhappy times. It taught me that love could be simple, could be full of freedom and merriment. Maybe these are things only a child can truly grasp anyway.

Sidewalk Hearts

2011-01-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

I started seeing the sidewalk hearts a few years ago. Hearts splattered there in motor oil, tar, in bird droppings, paint, mud, or water - the media of urban outdoor art. These “accidents” of debris, not formed by any human artist, lay there awaiting my acknowledgment as I jogged over the familiar sidewalks, driveways, and parking lots on my route. Unmistakable, though…hearts.

Probably I would not have noticed them if I didn’t keep my head down while I jog, but that is what I do – run along with eyes lowered while considering my life, my challenges, my issues. And blessed coincidence, there they are! Those happy little symbols of love. There to remind me that although I have my difficulties, I also have love - the love of a Master Artist who paints a picture of the world and my place in it. The picture I see can seem thrown together with grime and grease and garbage, but sometimes perfectly fashioned of dew-covered flower petals and young leaves.

My running time is solitary – I prefer it that way. But the hearts remind me that I am never really alone, that I am protected and loved every moment.

And now I look for the hearts when I run. I know they’ll be there. Those tiny signatures of God help me stay strong as the miles grow behind me, and long roads lay before me.

Bullies and the Bullied

2010-10-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

Bullying is abusive and control-driven behavior that can take place anywhere and anytime human beings are interacting with each other. It can take different forms, consisting of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. No matter where or how it occurs, bullying damages people and, in some cases, even kills them.

Bullying behavior arises from perceived dominance that one person exerts over another. The dominator, or bully, may be physically stronger than his target, be older, have more money, possess a higher social status…there are a number of ways people measure themselves against each other. Competitive pressure can elicit bullying from the perpetrator, who may not even be aware that he is being abusive because he or she is too caught up in their drive for control or power.

Perhaps one of the most detrimental forms of bullying is the kind that occurs behind closed doors, within peoples’ own families. Of course, it goes by different names – spousal or child abuse, domestic violence, even “getting yelled at.” But it’s basically bullying. This type of bullying situation is particularly injurious, as it may be unknown to anyone outside the family, and the victims are often so ashamed that they either deny what is happening or keep it secret. It can go on for years without being addressed, becoming the status quo within a victim’s home life.

Unfortunately, many victims of bullying – and particularly if they are subjected to it in their formative years - have a tendency to store up their resulting anger, then repeat the pattern and become bullies themselves. Thus continues the destructive pattern of behavior that is basically the perpetrator’s means of distracting himself from his own underlying feelings of inadequacy.

Some victims of bullying take another even more tragic route. They come to believe the messages sent - verbally or non-verbally – by the bully, and they begin to devalue themselves. If this continues, a person’s self-esteem can become so battered that they might lose interest in trying to be who they are. They might actually abandon their own sense of self in favor of the opinions of those around them, which can lead to crisis and tragedy.

How often have we heard of teenagers hurting themselves or committing suicide because they could not “fit in” with their peers? At an age when peers are hugely important in a person’s life and a solid sense of self is not completely formed, it is easy to see how bullying can lead a young person to despair.

For the individuals who struggle through being beat down by parents, relatives, schoolmates, bosses, even “friends,” some type of damage cannot be avoided. The effects may not show up as blatantly as a suicide attempt, but they can color that person’s attitudes and choices for a lifetime. Depression, a feeling of purposelessness, low self-esteem, a tendency toward addictions and myriad other forms of self-destructive behavior, isolation, and a quiet sense of despair can all be the norm for victims of bullying.

Sadly, many individuals adopt these symptoms for life, without ever considering that they or their attitudes could be more functional. And chances are, even if they don’t bully others themselves, their souls (or “psyche” to use a more technical term) are impaired and they have little true feeling to offer those around them.

Surely there is hope for recovery from the effects of being beat down, however it happened. But depending upon the source, extent, and longevity of the bullying, it can take many years of consistent healing work to make a change. Moving past this trauma is indeed a journey toward healthy living and attitudes, but one well worth embarking upon.

Awareness:

The starting point of recovery from bully victimization is simple awareness that one has been abused and affected by the actions and behavior of others toward them. Unfortunately, many victims of bullying take on shame and hold themselves in so little regard that they cannot even recognize that they have been affected. Being abused has created within them a sometimes very deeply-ingrained belief that for some reason, they deserved the bad treatment.

If a child is bullied by members of their own family of origin, they can literally grow up not expecting any other type of treatment. As adults, they unconsciously recreate the familiar pattern - with themselves again in the role of victims - by choosing friends and mates who are abusive.

Wanting To Change:

With dysfunctional core beliefs and inability to see the problem, a victim of abuse may have to endure a tremendous amount of suffering over an extended period of time before he is willing to remove himself as a victim and recover from the effects of being bullied. Being treated poorly is - surprisingly and tragically - far too familiar and therefore comfortable for some people to contemplate changing. Furthermore, an individual may well not even know what healthy relationships look and feel like, so they don’t have a clear idea of their goal. And so, they automatically continue to struggle along as a victim, rather than brave changing the underlying dynamic.

However, the pain of living with so much negativity from others and from one’s own distorted self-concept can serve as the most compelling force for change. Having learned not to expect much from others and from life, the bullied victim fulfills this attitude in their own situation. They might have a job they hate (but don’t feel they deserve a better one), a marital relationship fraught with conflict and emotional/physical abuse, or a list of responsibilities and obligations that crowds out pleasurable or self-fulfilling activities.

In a sense, a person’s misery can be their greatest blessing, if it is painful enough to motivate some real and positive action to lessen it.

The Journey Back:

Everyone who has ever suffered the effects of being bullied, but managed to break free to lead a full and healthy life, has their own story of how they healed from the damage. Surely, there are many different ways people adapt and grow to better their life experience. But a common thread among them is the need for a reliable source of help from other people, perhaps a therapist, to guide them past the negative belief system they have developed in reaction to being abused.

The opposite of being bullied is being taken care of and nurtured. If victims of abuse are in situations where the people around them are either bullying them, unaware of their suffering, or unavailable to help, they need to find support elsewhere. In time, with loving support and validation, they learn that they are worthy and capable of practicing self-care, including removing themselves from situations where they are being bullied.

Once freed from the emotional consequences of being bullied, an individual can live confidently and love themselves as well as others. Their growth can continue for a lifetime, even to the point of being able to forgive and feel compassion towards their one-time abusers.

Although bullying is all too common among people everywhere and probably evident since humans have existed, the pain it causes can be a force for spiritual seeking and emotional healing. And since we all are affected to some degree by those around us, any effort by individuals to learn more healthy and loving attitudes has the potential to benefit the whole of society.

On Being Judgmental

2010-10-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Certainly, our experiences bring us wisdom over time, but wisdom can easily be mutated into the less desirable trait of being judgmental. And this attribute can pose a real challenge to living our lives positively and healthily.

Individual impressions that we connect - accurately or not - to particular people, objects, places, and situations, can easily become an indelible association in our mind. And if the impression is negative, all similar objects, people, and so forth are automatically attached to that less-desirable evaluation.

Our judgments are usually made instantaneously – a “first impression.” This seems natural enough. After all, the thoughts and feelings we have when experiencing something new can be important internal cues for triggering self-protection against pain and danger. Here they operate at the level of instinct – something surely innate and intended for our survival.

However, as conscious beings, unless we are willing and able to give our judgmental instincts a second (and sometimes even a third and fourth) look, we could be coming to conclusions based on not enough information. This results in closing our minds to new and potentially enlightening experiences, information, and relationships. We actually become stagnated by our own perceptions.

Unfortunately, further solidifying our judgmental tendencies is the secondary pay-off we might not even be aware we’re getting: the feeling of comfortable superiority to others around us. It is a false security derived from feeling that we are “right” and others are “wrong.”

The good news is that, as with any other character defect, we can consciously work on being less judgmental. The first step in this process, of course, is becoming aware of our tendency to judge. Particularly challenging is that for some of us, being judgmental is an automatic and ingrained reaction. And because it’s such a “normal” thought process, we might not even notice ourselves doing it. Like any kind of work we do on ourselves, it will take conscious thought and practice to catch ourselves.

Once we’re aware of our thinking, we may be able to delay reaching conclusions about the objects of our judgment long enough to ask ourselves if we are being fair and reasonable.

The real groundwork for becoming less judgmental, however, begins with changing the attitude we have towards – not the world around us – but ourselves. The habit of criticizing and condemning ourselves, in areas such as our career successes or failures, personality quirks, life situation, physical appearance, wealth or lack thereof (the list can be infinite), directly relates to how we perceive everything around us.

Thus, turning inward with more compassion and gentleness will transform the most significant judgment we make everyday - that of ourselves. Is your attitude toward yourself loving and patient, or are you constantly feeling that you don’t measure up? Changing our feelings about ourselves is something we can all make the decision to do. It may take some time, but we can draw upon our loving Spiritual resources for help.

Imagine the charity we could extend to others and everything around us, lessening the harsh and critical view of the world we carry around daily, if we turned around our attitude toward the one person we can change?

Lingerie Marketing Piece No. 2

2010-09-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Item Description:

Ivory Bra and Thong Set – Beautiful, elegant, and sexy – all describe this set by Axami lingerie, imported from Europe. Ultra-feminine rose pink and ivory beige tones highlight the adjustable-strap demi bra, which features removable bump-pads to provide slight lift and bust enhancement, as well as underwire support. Finished with exquisite embroidered detailing and bow accents, the bra and panty set comes with a matching thong G-string.

Blog Piece Introducing Ivory Bra and Thong Set:

If you love feminine elegance and sensual design, you won’t be able to resist the latest addition to the lingerie collection of Pampered Passions Fine Lingerie: our Ivory Bra and Thong Set, from Axami Lingerie. Axami’s experienced and high-end designers have crafted yet another ingeniously artistic piece of premium-quality intimate-wear.
Imported from Europe, the set includes an adjustable-strap demi bra with removable bump-pads that add slight lift and bust enhancement, and matching panties. Adding to the bra’s functional features is underwire support. With the set, we send you the ultra-feminine, same-style G-string thong, making this a three-piece pleaser.

The functional features of the Ivory Bra and Thong Set support and highlight your body’s natural, beautiful curves and lines. But functional becomes fabulous with the set’s artistic pink/rose and beige-over-ivory embroidered detail, and pretty bow accents.

The Ivory Bra and Thong Set is something you can wear just for yourself – feel great reveling in your own delightful femininity – or to share with a partner. Either way, you can depend on Pampered Passions’ commitment to quality materials and construction. Our goal is to keep our customers pleased with their purchase from our collection, each and every time they put it on.

With expert design, functionality, quality of workmanship – there’s no reason not to indulge in the enjoyment of your body wearing our Ivory Bra and Thong Set. The experience this set will give your senses is a gift to yourself, and can be a lovely, intimate way to share yourself with someone special. It’s another winner offered by Pampered Passions…visit us today.

Lingerie Marketing Piece

2010-09-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Item Description:

Item 4329 – Earthy and enticing leopard-print chemise hugs every curve, but still hints of mystery. Sheer Lycra net, trimmed with stretch lace, plunges in front and back with strappy detail adding to its sexy allure. A matching thong is included to complete the set.

Blog Piece Introducing Item 4329:

Pampered Passions Fine Lingerie proudly offers yet another chemise style scorching enough to wake up anyone in the bedroom. The Sexy Leopard chemise is a collaboration of expertise from our top-notch designers, whose winning track record makes each new design better than their last. Their latest - the Sexy Leopard chemise - is so alluring, you’ll instantly be in touch with your earthy and irresistible femininity. The animal-print fabric is reminiscent of natural, wild beauty, which is how you’ll feel when you slip it over your body.

As you’ve come to expect from Pampered Passions, our high-end design and attention to detail separates us from the rest of lingerie retailers. And cheap material or construction is never an option for us – we guarantee quality or we won’t offer it to our customers. This commitment to the very best is again evident in the Sexy Leopard chemise. Made with run-resistant, form-fitting Lycra net and featuring stretch lace trim with strappy detailing, the Sexy Leopard is sure to bring out the animal instincts in your lover. Plunging daringly low in both the front and back, the Sexy Leopard covers enough to lend mystery and entice further exploration. The outfit comes complete with a matching thong, setting the stage for your perfect romantic encounter.

Satisfy your own instinctual urges by wearing the Sexy Leopard chemise, and watch your bedroom turn into a jungle of exotic enjoyment. Once again you’ll see that Pampered Passions designs can turn a kitty-cat into a tiger, and make even the King of the Forest beg for mercy!

Marketing Copy for Website: Charles Lloyd, Realtor

2010-09-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

With a history in real estate brokerage that spans over 35 years, Charles Lloyd – a Fallbrook native himself - is the “go-to” guy for property transactions in this unique area. School systems, land use, utilities, and county issues are among the topics he can address knowledgeably and from the vantage point of his long-time experience. Over the years, Charles has constructed a large, solid base of happy and satisfied clients, with whom he continues to associate.

Charles has specialized in single-family or multiple-family homes, as well as commercial properties. In addition, he is an authority in the area of land and lot-splitting involving both parcel maps (five parcels or less) as well as subdivisions (five parcels or more).

According to Charles, the last five years have been a period of change in the Fallbrook/Bonsall overall property picture. Real estate has become more expensive, as evidenced by the numerous million-dollar properties currently in this region. Charles’ theory about this trend toward higher-end real estate is that the high costs and time involved with lot-splitting has resulted in increased price-tags. Splitting a lot, which a few years ago took about 12 months, may now require three to four years to complete.

Charles has been directly involved with the effects of county regulations governing lot-splits, and has witnessed the county’s introduction of new required studies (and their resultant costs) correlating to higher listing prices.

Fortunately, Charles’ veteran status as a broker in this area has resulted in strong relationships with numerous area contractors. These ties, along with his years of selling property in this region, give Charles the advantage of knowing what to do, when to do it, and who to use for best service, cost, and efficiency. The business challenges that are presented by the political, economic, and social issues of this community drive him to utilize his masterful approach in finding solutions.

Charles’ favorite type of real estate transaction is, of course, “one that is closed.” Seriously, though, he is deeply gratified by his work in the Fallbrook community, and is known in the industry for his integrity and prioritization of customers’ needs. From start to finish of any transaction, Charles advocates for his clients and is there for them throughout. “I’m not going anyplace,” he says.

Though he has traveled extensively, Charles still finds Fallbrook one of the best and most unique places to live in the world. He believes it is sought after for its countryside setting and laid-back charm. "I think a lot of people live here for the privacy," he adds.

Rebeca de Villiers is an essential part of the Lloyd Team, and has been involved with real estate for the last six years. Having lived in Switzerland and Mexico for most of her life, she is fluent in Spanish and French. Rebeca, who has three school-aged children, moved to Fallbrook in 1997. She continues to learn about Fallbrook/North County real estate as her years here accumulate, and as a by-product of being mentored by Charles. Involvement with her children and with their schools’ PTA’s also keeps her happily busy and in touch with the needs of families in the community.

Charles and Rebeca wish to welcome you to the beautiful Fallbrook/Bonsall communities, and are ready to help you find the residence that will truly make this area your home.

Please contact Rebeca at (760) 468-0996, or via e-mail at rebecakids3@yahoo.com. Charles Lloyd can be reached at (760) 685-2163, or e-mail thelloydteam@hotmail.com.

Marketing Copy for Website: Robert's Healing Massage

2010-09-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

My emergence as a massage therapist/healer began in 2001, with a three-month course in relaxation and Swedish massage at the Vitality College of Healing in Solano Beach, California. Within these brief few months, I felt my calling to be a healer and left my former long-time job in sales.

Over the next several years, I continued studying massage at Vitality, and in 2004, received my Massage Therapist Certification after completing 500 hours of training. The following year, I obtained national certification, required to maintain my practice in San Diego. During these years, I was able to work full-time as a massage therapist, strengthening my skills in all areas of massage healing.

The early years provided me a great variety of experiences, including performing countless massages for guests requesting this service at high-end resorts in and around San Diego. I became very adept at communicating with all types of people, and able to successfully assess their needs in the realm of massage and healing.

My areas of concentrated study include Therapeutic massage; Deep Tissue massage; Reflexology; Cranio-Sacral; Trigger Point Therapy; and Myofascial Release. A few years ago, I was introduced to Ayurvedic massage (I actually spent four weeks in India learning this technique), as well as another body of knowledge called Ortho-Bionomy. (For a more thorough discussion of these various techniques, consult my blog and website references.)

The techniques I’ve mastered serve different purposes, depending on the issues of the person with whom I am working. Sometimes it is merely relaxation; other times pain relief, rejuvenation, or spiritual integration. That is what I find so exciting about massage therapy! It is a specialized, personalized, and sometimes complex process, unique to each individual.

Intensely gratifying to me is the ability to actually rid my clients from pain, whether it is from a new injury, or from a chronic, unresolved issue. Some people, who feel that they must learn to live with certain types of pain simply because they’ve had it for such a long time, are amazed to find that they can be pain-free when I correctly identify the source and target my healing work.

Also rewarding is the peace of mind I can bring to so many of my clients who scare themselves by self-diagnosing their pain as being related to cancer, arthritis, or some other serious medical condition. Imagine their relief when, after some sessions using Trigger Point therapy, in particular, I am able to resolve the pain completely!

My approach to healing is primarily holistic and medication-free. I am not a fan of introducing foreign substances into the body, sometimes over years and years. Although I certainly realize this is necessary in some cases, my focus is the use of Trigger Point therapy, Myofascial Release, and/or Ortho Bionomy to gently work out identifiable sources of pain.

While many of my clients are referred by chiropractors, acupuncturists, physical therapists, and doctors - as well as life coaches and personal trainers - I am proud that many people find me through other satisfied clients.

It is in fulfilling my calling as a healer that I have realized my potential and found my wholeness - a true gift. The circle is only closed, however, when I can share that gift with others. In another part of this site, I share my thoughts on massage, meditation, and spirituality, addressing the less tangible - but equally or perhaps even more significant - benefits of holistic massage.

My Resume

2010-09-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

CHRISTINE E. MILLER, M.S.

Professional Writer / Editor / Proofreader

Website http://www.tellmewhatyouwanttosay.com

Email millerwrite@yahoo.com

760-207-0685

SUMMARY:

— A mature professional with over 20 years of business and wordsmith experience offering high-level writing and proofreading capabilities.

— Extensive small business management skills, provides quality services/products to clientele, while concurrently overseeing all other aspects of business operation and profitability.

— Particular expertise in the areas of marketing communication and utilization of a variety of techniques to capture the attention of prospective customers for a wide variety of industries.

CORE COMPETENCIES:

Writing / Editing / Proofreading – Marketing Material Copywriter (blogs, brochures, social media, websites) – Report Writing – Scientific/Medical/Legal Documents – Resumes – Book Editing – Creative Writing – Document Formatting – Transcription and Data Entry – Small Business Organization and Management – Marketing and Sales Strategies – Internet Research

HIGHLIGHTS:

· Successfully initiated sustaining self-employment with writing/editing services and as independent consultant for a network marketing business.

· Solely responsible for marketing services of self-employment businesses with positive results – have acquired numerous private clients providing steady workflow/income.

· Have generated several thousands of dollars in retail sales volume of skin care and wellness products for network marketing company, and sales continue to build. Demonstrate initiative in planning and enacting marketing strategies to reach maximum number and variety of potential clients.

· Participation in numerous health fairs county-wide over the past year has generated interest in skin care/wellness products and business, hundreds of sales leads acquired.

· Independently established San Diego branch office for private investigation firm originally based in Agoura Hills, California, resulting in tremendous additional revenue source for company.

· Effectively managed branch office and marketed investigative services in the San Diego area, resulting in dozens of case referrals from new clients, several of which became established and long-term clientele for the company.

CAREER HISTORY:

Freelance Writer / Editor – Tell Me What You Want To Say 2009 – 2010

Independent Sales Consultant – Arbonne International LLC 2009 – 2010

Enumerator – Department of Commerce / U.S Census Bureau 2009

Executive Secretary – Ipitek (Telecommunications) 2008

Administrative Assistant – The Judge Group (Personnel / Recruiters) 2007 – 2008

Legal Administrative Assistant – Gatzke Dillon & Balance LLP 2006 – 2007

Legal Administrative Assistant – Grancell Lebovitz Barnes Reubens et al. 2006

Freelance Technical Writer / Editor 1999 – 2006

Office Manager / Marketer / Report Writer – Kelsey Investigative Services 1993 – 1999

EDUCATION:

Cornell University

Bachelor of Science, May 1983

University of Southern California

Master of Science, May 1985

Changing Dysfunctional Relationships

2010-07-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

Suffering from codependency addiction is like having a cancer that grows and takes over our being, even while we are oblivious to its presence. The behaviors that characterize codependency encompass and affect innumerable aspects of our lives – arguably every aspect of our lives - but the great irony is that most of us don’t even realize we’re doing them. All we know is that our head is frequently buzzing with some obsession, usually about someone close to us who is not behaving the way we want them to or think they should be. And in spite of our attempts to get them to treat us differently, manage their lives differently, or meet our needs and demands in one way or another, they continue the same behavior.

We operate under the illusion that it is our responsibility to “help” these objects of our concern, usually through some type of manipulation or management. It can take literally years for us to finally realize that exerting power over other people, things, or situations is not our responsibility, and doesn’t work anyway. But if we persist under our illusion of power over others or over circumstances that we realistically cannot control, we come to know more and more of frustration and despair. Peace of mind becomes a foreign concept to us as we are surrounded by the wreckage of unhealthy relationships.

If we are lucky, we reach a point where our deeply-ingrained habits of thinking and feeling, usually established in childhood and reinforced by years and years of repetition, are no longer effective. But it doesn’t feel lucky – it feels like sheer helplessness and hopelessness. In order to survive, we must begin a journey which will be emotional, physical, and spiritual in nature. We never imagined taking this journey, and indeed, wouldn’t even consider it unless forced by the pain of our circumstances.

Finally we give up, throw up our hands and face the fact that what we are doing is not working. Intensifying our efforts to manage our lives and those of others is resulting only in more unmanageability. The self-created hell resulting from our own best thinking threatens our very survival.

And so at last…sweet surrender.

Though achieved only through sheer agony, true surrender can lead us to what we have always sought: serenity. This is when we might begin to feel lucky that healing change is possible for us. As we slowly learn to take care of ourselves and practice doing so, we begin to feel the miraculous rewards of self-esteem, peace of mind, and love.

Something new starts to develop inside many of us who have been so consumed taking care of or directing others that we never paid much attention to our own needs. As we rightly return our focus onto ourselves, we become calmer, stronger, and more in tune with our authentic self. We grow to respect our own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, preferences, even knowing these can change at any given time. And at some point, we find we have the courage to express ourselves to those around us, even when we know their ways of thinking are different or maybe even directly opposed to ours.

There will be conflicts with others, sometimes with people who have been in our lives for a long, long time, when we change and transfer a good deal of our energy and caring behavior away from them and toward ourselves. It is likely we forged past relationships based on giving tirelessly to the other person and expecting little to nothing from them. This was consistent with our old belief that we were not worthy of receiving love in return, that we had to compensate for being somehow always inferior.

Some of those old relationships will grow strained or distant, some will end altogether. Friends used to being accommodated are baffled that we are now not always so agreeable to their agendas, so forthcoming with favors. In fact, we may be asking them to give to us, and this will disconcert many not used to having to reciprocate within the relationship.

We may find ourselves speaking up more with people, whether we have known them for a long time or a short one. And because we are not so hesitant to establish boundaries within a relationship right from the start, and comfortable asking for our wants and needs, some people might not wish to participate. Many will opt instead for the people-pleasing types who can be easily managed and manipulated. Others may be such people-pleasers themselves that our evolving honesty and directness is threatening to them.

For we who are privileged to work on increasing our self-esteem, changes in relationships are painful yet therapeutic in a very meaningful way. Friendships that used to work may now be crumbling, and it’s upsetting to let go the familiar. However, the change from low self-esteem to high vastly outweighs the temporarily-troubling secondary effects. Think of it as making necessary and healthful adjustments.

As part of the process of personal growth, loss of the familiar but dysfunctional is a good thing. Now we are free to seek and participate in more balanced and workable future relationships. A new priority is in place, which necessitates that we nurture the most important relationship we have: the relationship with ourselves.

Birds of a Feather - illustration by Adam M. Record

2010-05-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

Being Uncomfortable

2010-05-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, I was "inspired" to start my own business as an independent consultant for a network marketing company called Arbonne (Swiss skin care and wellness products). The reason: I was uncomfortable with constantly straining to fit my needs and those of my children into a rigid, employer-imposed superstructure.

After the end of my nearly 20-year marriage, I held a total of four administrative-type jobs in about four years. All these jobs required strict adherence to designated work-hours. Minuscule amounts of time were counted, and a loss of two or three work-minutes was sternly noted.

By this time, I was used to "flying by the seat of my pants," and those of you with children know what I'm talking about... Getting worked up about being ten minutes late made no sense to me anymore (unfortunately, controlling types such as certain employers and former husbands tend to think differently).

Somehow I made the change, in spite of never having been self-employed and possessing no sales training or experience. Well, a year has passed, and I am here to tell the tale of my climb to super-wealth and a lifestyle of richness beyond my wildest dreams...

Not really, I'm kidding. The fact is, I am still struggling financially and have a medical insurance plan called Just-Don't-Get-Sick.

However, there have been, and continue to be, some fairly awe-inspiring changes in me and my life as a result of this decision. Perhaps this is what happens when one gives up his old ideas about, well, anything, and high-jumps off the cliff into the unknown. Can you say, "uncomfortable?" What about feeling it?

Being uncomfortable and more importantly, seeing that I won't die from this feeling, have given me the confidence to now have two of my own businesses: Arbonne (I love that stuff!) and my writing/editing service. For the first time in my life, I am passionate, energized, and no longer bored by what I do for a living.

I am dealing with so many people now, from every manner of age, ethnic origin, social and financial status. They are all my teachers, broadening my understanding of people and my compassion for them. Also, I am gaining confidence in my God-given ability to take care of myself within each relationship.

Life has become less about reaching specific goals to define my success, and more about being here now - in faith and freedom. I am not afraid anymore to explore who I am and what I can create. Successes encourage me, but failures don't devastate me. There is always the next moment, the next adventure: unscripted, unplanned, surprising, treacherous, and exciting.

But life would never be the joyous ride it is if I weren't willing - and able with the help of God - to be uncomfortable. And thus, discomfort has brought me abundant happiness, because it brings me awareness of a personal safety net that gives me all the comfort I could ever need or want.

Clever & Fun Animal Caricatures

2010-05-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

In my struggle - and I do mean struggle - to acquire a "web presence," and become even a rank amateur in social media (including these blogging entries, dear reader), " I have met some awesome individuals who are way ahead of me in this game.

One of them is Adam Record, a very gifted artist who does illustrations of mostly people and animals. Check him out on www.falldowntree.com. Adam tells me that his drawings are published in many children's books, and I can certainly see why! The fun style of his characters makes the prints excellent to just frame and hang! Three of them are about to be displayed on one of the walls of my office.

If I were not so techno-disabled, I would be able to post a few of Adam's works right here on this blog - help me, Adam! Yes, Adam also has computer technology talent, which he utilizes alongside his brother Shawn Record (and others) to produce websites. Their company is called EBSI Websites, www.ebsiwebsites.com, and as a matter of fact, they created my website for me! EBSI is another arena where Adam's artistic design talent is demonstrated, along with that of the rest of the company's team.

Hopefully Adam will tell me how to get a couple of my favorite characters he's created to appear right here, so that you can enjoy them while perusing my blog. My struggles with technology continue (sigh), but I have to credit myself with having some desire to progress, albeit slowly...

Pick Five

2010-05-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, even after my second cup of morning coffee, I'mstill engulfed by a paralyzing sense of "tedium overload" as I lookat a pile of dirty clothes to wash; a stack of bills with due dates unexplored;papers to file, or new file-homes to create for those papers; dishes to wash;dogs and cats wanting breakfast...(goodness, even listing the tasks makes mewant to go back to bed this very minute!)

What is a healthy, positive-thinking, goal-oriented person to do in the face ofsuch dreariness?

Time to play a game I call "Pick Five." I really want to share thiswith those of you who, like me, want to feel a sense of accomplishment even inthe face of a written or mental "to-do" list longer than the grass onthe front lawn (which needs mowing, by the way). Pick Five is simple andbrilliant and brings me back to life when I feel defeated before I even start.

Here it goes: simply pick five tasks - your choice - fromthat list of yours. Then have at it! Depending on your level of motivation,which could be depressingly low, you can choose "big" or"little" chores. They just need to add up to five in number. And youneed to complete them - remember, it's just five, not the whole ridiculous list!

The effect of finishing those five items and keeping even that much of apromise to myself to chip away at dauntingly endless chores, can turn my dayaround. That is, it seems to turn my attitude around, because the good feelingI get from just making that much of an effort often leads to doing more on thelist. And even if I just complete the five, I still get to feel a sense ofaccomplishment instead of disappointment in myself for putting off what I knowI need to do...

Give this a try. But if it doesn't work for you, you mightwant to back down to "Pick Four" or "Pick Three." There'smagic in the numbers, and in that little, doable promise. Maybe it's thatthere's something inherently positive in fulfilling a promise. For me, theresulting boost turns drudgery into winning at my own game!

Being Sensitive

2010-05-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

How often I’ve regretted the fact that I’m sensitive, berating myself for being so “thin-skinned” and vulnerable to hurt. After all, the characteristic of being sensitive most certainly makes a person more apt to get wounded, more susceptible to experiencing heightened levels of emotional pain. And of course, who wants that?

And yet, the reality is, a sensitive person is just that, and wishing it or willing it away doesn’t work. Not accepting our own sensitivity makes it even harder on us, since we hurt ourselves even more by not admitting and embracing this inherent characteristic.

If you really think about it, are not sensitive people some of the most loving and creative individuals in the world? Able to experience all of life with extra intensity, they perceive themselves and the world around them with greater depth and awareness. And because they generally suffer much, sensitive people are more apt to understand and be compassionate towards others in pain.

The irony is that when a sensitive person can truly embrace this trait, there are enormous possibilities for growth, even growth in the ability to detach from the negative aspects of their intensity. After all, loving oneself brings miracles of growth and change, but the starting point must be healthy acceptance of who we are right now.

It's Time To Write

2010-04-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Fear of the empty, white blog... The only remedy is to push through it and POST. So here goes.

Tell Me What You Want To Say is the realization of a dream, pushed aside and back for decades, and a self-proclaimed silly, impractical idea. That I could open my writing - with my own thoughts and style - to the world, and assist other people with this form of expression, were not things I thought I would or could ever do. At first...

However, as years of working in safer, structured, administrative-type positions (my favorite duties in these "secretarial" jobs, by the way, consistently involved writing, composition, and organization of ideas)passed by, my belief in my skill grew. Honestly, this was part of a general change of philosophy from devaluing and discrediting myself to accepting and nurturing myself. An excruciatingly slow and sometimes tiresome metamorphosis, but well worth every tiny increment of improvement...

Thus I present myself to you without apology, but with the hope that you recognize value in what I produce, as well as in what I can help you to produce.

Because good writing IS important, for it must convey very specific ideas - sometimes emotions and moods, information, directions, descriptions. Consider that a master painter's creative ability is moot unless he knows how to use his oils or acrylics with precision. Similarly, even the most genius of artistic minds is without effect unless one has skill in language and words to express his thoughts.

It is my privilege to help you find a way to express your ideas, your genius, your special character. Practical or creative, business or personal, direct or meandering - it is all worthy.