When We "Lose" In Love, Have We Really Lost?

Most of us have had our hearts “broken” by a failed romance, some of us many times over. That special someone – the person with whom you shared your secret self, your problems and successes, your dreams, your feelings, your body, maybe even your living space – is gone. What we thought would never, ever happen while we reveled in the ecstasy of deep love and trust, has indeed come about and ripped us away from our beloved. It seems surreal, like a nightmare being played out in front of us. We think, how could this have happened? I thought he or she loved me! How could this person betray me, hurt me, and worst of all, abandon me, for reasons I can’t control or even understand?

In our grief, we cry and ponder what could have been. If only... she hadn’t cheated with someone else, he hadn’t been addicted to drugs, she hadn’t been afraid of commitment, he had treated me better, she hadn’t had baggage from her past that prevented us from getting closer, and on and on. With tightly-closed throats and stinging eyes that finally burst tears, we feel immersed in acute pain that seems to come from some unknown space between our brain and heart. What we had is gone. Something precious has been lost to us, something we wanted and believed in and were grateful for, even if we didn’t realize it before. Loss. Its sadness is unmerciful, its longing for a different outcome overwhelming and unrelenting. How, we think, can we possibly go on?

Terrible as this experience can be, we can and will survive. Fortunately, we have a safety net that is always there, one which never, ever abandons or betrays. God. For those of us aware, God was the One who created our loving feelings in the first place. What a privilege, what a “piece of heaven” to feel that much love for another! It is time to be grateful that we were able to experience this, no matter how it turned out in the end.

Romantic love and intimacy are special gifts from our Creator, a tiny glimpse of the ecstasy we will find in trusting Him with all our needs. Graced with the close, wonderful feelings, the joy, the sense of communion with another, we need to remember that these sensations existed within us. They were and are part of us, whether or not their target was able to return them.

In thinking about relationships, spiritual and emotional maturity demands that love not only be expressed in words, but in actions. When our partner’s actions don’t match our instinctual sense of the supportive, nurturing, gentle, thoughtful nature of real love, we are aware of this on some level. It may take awhile for us to become truly conscious of the lack of consistency between our partner’s words and actions – our own emotions can blind us for awhile – but eventually, the pain catches up to us. No one of us wants to face the possibility of a loss of love, the possibility that the other person either cannot or will not be able to reflect our love back to us in its original, intense, selfless, beautiful form.

But in the end, and no matter how long we try to push it away, the limitations of our partner and their effects on the relationship become undeniable. This is the point at which we are forced to make an agonizing decision. Can we live with our beloved’s shortcomings, whatever they are? We absolutely cannot change someone else, and trying to negotiate their limitations is basically fruitless. Ultimately, the choice to be in the relationship - or not - is our responsibility. What do we want for ourselves? Conflicting feelings of pain and longing can make this decision seem impossible. At this point, think about that safety net: the sure guidance and comfort of God, Who has been loving and helping us all along (whether we knew it or not). By turning to this Source of all love, we are strengthened to take care of ourselves. There really is no earthly hurt or dire situation that cannot be handled for you by God.

Nothing happens by accident. If your “romantic ideal” lets you down in a way you cannot accept, try to see this as an indication that something better is planned for you. Be grateful for “better,” which means something more fulfilling and more satisfying is waiting for you. The door is open now. All that caring, happiness, physical and emotional ecstasy, closeness – they are not lost when their particular object disappears for some reason. They are still there inside you, part of your wonderfulness. You do not have to grieve their loss, because they are within you like a light that shines no matter how dark it is outside. Remember this!

Loving helps you to grow, but losing love can help you grow even more. If you can understand this on a deep level, with the awareness that an ever-caring God is handling all the details of your life, you will walk forward with courage, faith, confidence, compassion, and forgiveness. You will love again.

Marketing Sample: Robert's Healing Massage

My emergence as a massage therapist/healer began in 2001, when I took a three-month course in relaxation and Swedish massage at the Vitality College of Healing in Solano Beach, California. Within this brief period, I deeply sensed my calling to be a healer and made the decision to leave my longtime job as a salesman.

Over the next several years, I continued studying massage at Vitality College, receiving my Massage Therapist Certification after completing 500 hours of training. In 2005, I obtained the national certification required to maintain my practice in San Diego. Throughout this period, I was able to work full-time as a massage therapist and strengthen my skills in all areas of massage healing.

My earlier years in the field provided me a great variety of experiences, including performing countless massages for guests requesting this service at high-end resorts in and around San Diego. I became very adept at communicating with all types of people, and able to successfully assess their needs in the realms of massage and healing.

My areas of concentrated study include Therapeutic massage, Deep Tissue massage, Reflexology, Cranio-Sacral, Trigger Point Therapy, and Myofascial Release. A few years ago, I was introduced to Ayurvedic massage (I spent four weeks in India learning this technique), as well as another body of knowledge called Ortho-Bionomy (for a more thorough discussion of these various techniques, see my website and blog).

The methods I’ve mastered serve a variety of purposes, depending on the needs of the person with whom I am working. Sometimes it is merely relaxation. Other times, the goal is pain relief, rejuvenation, or spiritual integration. This is what I find so exciting about massage therapy - it is a specialized, personalized, and oftentimes complex process, unique to each individual. 

The ability to actually rid my clients of pain, whether it is from a new injury or a chronic and unresolved issue, brings me intense gratification. Some people have come to me believing that they must learn to live with certain types of pain simply because they’ve had it for such a long time. They are then amazed to find that they can be pain-free after I correctly identify the source and target my healing work.

I am also greatly rewarded when I can bring peace of mind to many of my clients who scare themselves by self-diagnosing their condition as cancer, arthritis, or some other serious medical condition. Imagine their relief when, after some sessions using Trigger Point therapy in particular, I am able to resolve the pain completely!

My approach to healing is primarily holistic and medication-free. I am not a fan of introducing foreign substances into the body. I find some of my clients have been taking various prescriptions for years and years, and although I certainly realize that medicine is necessary in some cases, my focus is the use of Trigger Point therapy, Myofascial Release, and/or Ortho Bionomy to gently work out identifiable sources of pain.

While many of my clients are referred by chiropractors, acupuncturists, physical therapists, and doctors - as well as life coaches and personal trainers - I am proud that many people find me through word of mouth from other satisfied clients.

Answering my calling to be a healer has been key to realizing my potential and finding my wholeness - a true gift. The circle is only closed, however, when I can share that gift with others. In another part of this site, I share my thoughts on massage, meditation, and spirituality, addressing the less tangible - but equally or perhaps even more significant - benefits of holistic massage.